Occupy Ketchup!

 By Scott Grace

"What I know for sure is that it's only when you make the process your goal that your big dream will follow."
~ Oprah Winfrey

When I was growing up my favorite television commercial was the Heinz Ketchup one. It featured Carly Simon's hit song Anticipation, and people would be seen tilting a Heinz bottle downward, playfully doing their best to be patient, taking it in stride, smiling in anticipation while the bottle, working in cahoots with gravity, eventually delivered the amazing goods. The message was, "Our ketchup is worth the wait. In fact, don't call it waiting, call it courting! Let yourself be romanced by our heavenly product coming out so slowly. You want a ketchup with a slow hand, don't you?

Then Ronald Reagan came along, proclaiming ketchup, with all its processing, preservatives, salt and sugar, to be a legitimate vegetable for school lunches, an extremely nutritious deal for the corporate interests and the lobbyists that served the law up onto our children's plates. Tomatoes everywhere joined in solidarity to protest, but they all ended up being put in the can. Heinz bottled them up before the public ever got wind of it.

I fantasize that the original idea for their famous commercial was conceived at a meeting one day in the corporate offices...

Heinz Executive: Truth telling time. At the end of the day, what's the biggest drawback that makes some people stay away from our product?

Another Heinz Executive: The sodium content! It's off the roof! I've got enough high blood pressure with this job, thank you!

Heinz Executive: Ridiculous. Most consumers want it salty as hell, all the market research shows that. Bottom line? It comes out too freakin' slow. People hate that. I hate that. That's why I don't bother using it. Who's got the time?

New Heinz Ad Man Hired To Boost Sales: I've got an idea to make it sell. People like to take their time when it comes to a special time in the bedroom. Why not with ketchup? Let's spin it so that the slow pour reminds them of what slow, gourmet foreplay is to mindblowing sex!

Heinz Executive: Would it work? Will people actually buy that?

Heinz Ad Man: People will buy anything that's spun right, and ketchup in a bottle that's shaped like a phallic symbol is no exception. Hey, don't forget, before you folks brought me in, I worked for Ronald Reagan's campaign. His biggest problem was his slow brain and speech. I helped spin it so he was seen as Father Knows Best, down-to-earth, refreshingly simple, and super-trustworthy. If I could sell him, I could get your ketchup flying super fast off the shelves. Trust me, I'm a spin doctor."

And so, disguised as a vegetable, a junk food dynasty was born. Outraged tomatoes organized and became activists, camping out in front of supermarkets, linking vines to protect themselves from the Produce Police that were bent on squashing them. Sadly, the Occupy Ketchup movement was virtually ignored by the mainstream media.

When I was twenty years old I decided I wanted and was ready for a life partner. Having already been exposed to metaphysics and the law of attraction, I began applying affirmations and visualizations to manifest my ideal relationship.

Twenty years later she arrived. Well worth the wait. Especially since during that time I was gradually developing into someone who could handle the joys, challenges, and soul lessons of a committed relationship.

Currently, I desire my work in the world to take off. I want more lucrative gigs as a speaker. I want my book to catch fire. These dreams are manifesting slower than my ego would like. Maybe I can learn something from Heinz. Maybe I can become my own spin doctor, prescribe for myself some new perspectives, and reframe things in a way that allows me to trade in my impatience for peace.

Scott's Drill Sergeant Ego: Work harder, dude! Pick up the pace! It's not a time to relax, trust, and enjoy the freakin' roses. This is a state of emergency, requiring a sense of urgency. It's time to freak out, push hard, blame the economy, blame yourself, freak out some more, and then push harder. That's the plan. Are you with me? I SAID, ARE YOU WITH ME, SOLDIER?

Scott's Higher Self: Whoa, soldier! At ease! Easy does it. This is peacetime. No war going on in your universe. It's safe to take it easy. The terror threat level is at zero. Whistle while you work, and have fun with it. There is a Divine Plan unfolding, and everything is in Perfect Order. You are making steady progress in putting out your work, building the field through YouTube and Facebook. Things are moving along nicely. You could equate it with the unhurried pace of a tortoise. And you live in a culture that distrusts and disdains tortoise medicine, that worships the speed of the hare. Rushing urgently is just the ego's frantic control trip, an attempt to overcompensate for an imaginary sense of unworthiness, and to win a race that does not exist. Drop the struggle and take your sweet time getting there. Avoid the rat race. The journey before you is precious, and even more delicious than whatever destination you are pining for. Remember the expression, Easy does it, Scott. Ease really does do it!

Ego: But I want it now! Show me the money, some juicy speaking gigs, and the book deal, and then I'll relax and take it easy.

Ahhh, the poor ego. Always upside down and upset about things. So glad I'm listening to a wiser guide these days, and putting first things first. Like peace.

I bet there's something you want from life that is coming out slower than you would like. You might even be worried it's not coming out at all. You might be telling a story about there being something wrong with you, or with life itself, for not delivering the ketchup.

Maybe, just maybe, all is unfolding as it should. Maybe the jewels of patience, persistence, and trust can only be uncovered through things not manifesting according to your ego's plan, and maybe those character traits are far more valuable to your soul than the quick fix, the instant manifestations. And maybe learning to be peaceful through life's inevitable ups and downs is the real gold we're after, worth more than all the money in the world.

Slowly is the New Holy!

Ketchup that comes out quickly is usually pretty watered down. And there is something about slow motion that is healing, especially in this day and age. High speed internet, wireless, cell phones, all the technology scrambles our nervous systems and makes chaos the new norm. And that makes slowly the new Holy! Anyone who has ever meditated longer than ten minutes knows the joy that comes when the heart rate and the thinking mind slow down enough to abide in stillness. There is a Heavenly sanctuary within all of us, brimming with splendor and overflowing with fulfillment. But it's not the express train that gets us there. It's the local track, enjoying all the stops along the way.

So, my fellow earth citizens, let's get up-to-speed with slowing down. Drop the rush and let ease set the pace. And remember, don't let politicians have a monopoly on spin. It's your life, and how you frame things makes all the difference between being in struggle or being at ease. So take spin into your own hands, and make peace with the slow ketchup in your life.

I'm Scott Grace, and I approved this message.


"Whatever the hell happens, say this is what I need. It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity. If you bring love to that moment, not discouragement, you will find the strength there. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes."

- Joseph Campbell, the Follow Your Bliss Man



Scott Grace is the author of Teach Me How To Love. He can be reached at www.scottsongs.com.

Jesus Appears on Letterman!

By Scott Grace

Ah, the holiday season is upon us, a time when Mother Nature draws us inward and Mother Culture draws us shopping. What will it be this year? Will you pass through the holidays unconsciously, in a frenzy of obligation, hurry and adrenaline, or will you let yourself slow down and take it easy like the rest of the natural world is doing at this time of year? I feel committed to staying attuned to the inward call of winter soulstice and the corresponding needs of my soul...to slow down the pace, nurture my beingness and replenish the well within. A close friend of mine has a birthday that is celebrated in December, although he was really born in July. He is somewhat of a celebrity, a cultural icon that most civilized folks know of, admire and sometimes feel intimidated by. He has been a regular in the supermarket tabloids for two thousand years, even before supermarkets were invented. I’ve noticed, like with many Hollywood stars, people make him out to be larger than life. They put him on a pedestal, somehow hoping that his life can save theirs, and like to fixate over the minute details of what he said and did. His stage name is Jesus, but his friends from the old neighborhood call him Jeshua Ben Joseph. The most famous role of his career has been Prince of Peace, Savior of the World. (When writing the script, the Director realized that the part was far too big to be given to just one, so he cast every human being to star equally in the role. Alas, most people are so convinced they’re not worthy of an audition, they don’t realize they got the part!) Jeshua, after retiring from show business in a glorious spectacle of emotion, now works tirelessly behind the scenes, whispering lines to the rest of the cast. He guides his fellow performers to choose peace over drama, love over stage fright, and comedy over tragedy. He nudges us, when we finally become willing to listen to a director other than our egos, to step into our appointed roles and play our parts to the max. Jeshua does not appreciate the Academy of Christianity giving him the Oscar year after year for Best Savior. He would much rather share the statue with Moses, Buddha, The Dalhi Lama, Oprah Winfrey, Robin Williams, me and you. And he would rather not have so much fuss made over him. In a recent and rare appearance on Letterman, Jeshua had this to say: “David, people get the wrong idea about me. I just want to give the world a Peace of my mind! That’s all. I didn’t ask for all these religions to spring up and make such a big deal of it all. I’m basically a simple, down-to-earth kind of guy. In fact, I came down to earth to spread joy! Just like everyone, I’ve had a few moments here and there on the cross, but I’ve laughed far more that I’ve suffered. Please tell those churches to take all those pictures of me off their walls. How would you like it if they framed you having a horrendous hair day and decided that was the image the world should remember you by? Oh, and another thing: if people want to celebrate my birthday, I’d like to see them giving each other more presence! Simply being present with an open heart is the greatest gift you can give another. Slow down, ease up on the material madness and get into the spirit of the holidays. And for Christ’s sake (literally speaking), lighten up! Life is too eternal to be taken seriously!” Thrilled that Jesus was speaking so freely, David encouraged him to continue. Jeshua got excited, “People think of me as not having political ties, but actually I’m quite politically active. I’m pro-choice, pro life, and anti-right. That’s right, anti-right! I want people, all people, to give up this business of being right and to focus on compassion. And another thing...” At that point David had to interrupt and break for some commercials. When they got back on the air Jeshua asked if he could have a minute for his own commercial. An 800 number flashed across the screen and Jesus explained that this was his new pager number, a modern way for humanity to call him up and fire away a question, concern or prayer. He can answer over ten billion calls at the same time! Explaining further, he said, “Traditional churches lead people to believe that to be close to me you have to pay money and have exclusive membership in their club. I want everyone to know it’s easier than you think. In fact, it’s what you think that makes it hard! Just try this: close your eyes, take some breaths, get quiet inside, and dial 1-800-ASK-JESUS. I’ll call you right back. Don’t worry, I’ve already got your number, and my dial-up speed is faster than DSL and cable combined. But you’ve got to believe you are worthy of having a connection with me. Otherwise, there will be too much static on your end, and there will appear to be a receiver off the hook. If that happens, remind yourself to open your heart to receiving, and repeat the call. If you ever get a busy signal, you are the one that’s too busy. As I’ve said once or twice before, I am with you always. And I can afford to keep my promises. I’m not running for anything!” Scott Grace plays golf with Jesus and bowls with Buddha. He would like to appear on Letterman someday, but for now appears at www.scottsongs.com

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The Seven Habits of Highly Dramatic People

By Scott Kalechstein Grace

Do gratitude, contentment, and inner peace sometimes creep up on you and undermine your ability to indulge your anxiety? 

Here’s a quick and handy two-step process to make sure you get your M.D.R. (minimum daily requirements) of worry and chaos.

1. Believe and act like your safety, security, and happiness are dependent on people and forces outside of you that you can’t control.

2. Try to control them.

For those of you who prefer to keep it complex, here are seven habits to develop that will help you go deeper into your practice and guarantee a daily overdose of adrenaline. Allow me to be your drama director as we shout out the traditional opening words… “Lights! Camera!! RE-ACTION!!!

#1. Harness The Power Of Negative Thinking- Everybody accentuates the negative on occasion. What if I can’t pay my bills? What if I lose my house? What if I get sick? What if I’m alone for life? What if I’m in this relationship for life? But as your drama coach, I want to inspire you to master 'The Secret' by focusing all of your attention on the most negative possible outcomes all of the time.  When this discipline has been achieved, you can relax into the certainty that you will always find something to freak out about in any situation, and fear will never abandon you again.

#2.  Be Busy Till You’re Dizzy- Being too busy to still your mind and take good care of your body is essential on the path to drama-realization. Temptation is everywhere these days - health food stores, spas, gyms, yoga studios, meditation classes, and it takes courage to maintain abstinence while the whole world is stretching, sweating, chanting, and going organic. Remember, as our parents tried to warn us, engaging in meditation can lead to blindness, losing sight of all the things right in front of you to worry about. So wake up every morning painfully early, splash cold water on your face, brew up your caffeine, and go, speed racer, go!  Have you answered all your emails? Who needs a shoulder to lean on? Is there something on TV? Always make sure your life and your mind are filled with clutter and free of those annoying empty spaces between your thoughts that can disturb your absence of peace.

#3. Have A Swinging Good Time – In the 60's and 70's, a swinger was a person who relieved the monotony of monogamy by attending a variety of extra-curricular relationships. Nowadays, the term swingers has broadened, and is often used to refer to drama majors when they are found swinging like a pendulum from one extreme to another, churning with the thrill of constant crises, skillfully sidestepping the boredom of emotional stability. Would you like to be able to create, at the snap your fingers, a soap opera drenched in drama anytime you want? All you need to do is to stuff your feelings till you can’t hold them in any longer, and then explode without restraint or care for anyone, especially the ones you care most about.  As a practice, try being 100% nice and sweet. Stretch yourself to accommodate someone as much and as long as you can, and then take the lid off and let the steam out, like Mt. Saint Helens does once in a while. There is nothing as satisfying as having a good eruption after being good and silent for a spell.

#4. Leave Your Inner Child Alone Without Parental Guidance - When the child inside the adult gets scared, some really juicy drama can happen, but only if we withhold our compassion, re-assurance, and loving boundaries.  When we can resist such mushy self-help nonsense, our inner children will wreak havoc trying to get those things from others, usually through some very exciting acting out in the drama department.  When two or more people abandon their little kids at the same time, oh boy, that’s when the fun begins. The adults have left the vehicle, and you can guess who’s in the front seat, banging on the horn, flooding the accelerator, yelling out the window, and playing extreme bumper cars.  Yippee!

#5. Set Huge Goals, Maintain Unrealistic Expectations  - There is nothing more beneficial to your lifestyle than the habit of reaching for the stars, falling short of your lofty goals, and feeling like a colossal failure. Taking big leaps and falling flat on your face is paramount for maintaining healthy low self-esteem, which is the foundation of all good drama. Go for the mountaintop, and don’t look down at your feet on your way. One step at a time is for people satisfied with proceeding at a snail’s pace, always leaving behind a slime trail of serenity, gentleness, balance, and other dismal downers that drama kings and queens take royal pains to avoid. You can do better than that!

#6. Judge Your Judgments – Every human being judges, but only the ones who have learned the art of judging their own judgments excel in creating melodrama. Have you ever been known to shame and blame yourself for feeling afraid and stuck, telling yourself that there is something really wrong with you for not moving forward? Good! You are on the right track. Now, take your next step. Judge your judgments! Tell yourself that you should know better than to shame and blame yourself.  Heap truckloads of guilt on yourself for stooping so low to the curb of self-criticism, yet again. This will make you quite an energetic downer that can’t help but suck energy from those around you. You’ll be the lifelessness of the party!

#7. Get Grounded In The 3 B’s…. Blame, Blame, & Blame  -  Blaming yourself has already been covered. But don’t rest there. Blame everyone else too.  Life’s not going the way you want? Blame, blame, blame! Blame first, ask questions and take responsibility later, if at all. Appropriate targets are Mom and Dad, friends (if you still have any), your mate (if they are still around), the Bush administration, the Clinton administration, big corporations, small minds, and, of course, God.  Self-responsibility can lead to issues finding solutions, which flushes good drama right down the drain.  Instead, be generous with the blame dispenser, letting it overflow on everyone, uncontained, uncensored, unedited. Blame, Blame, Blame!

Affirmations For Good Drama

Every day in every way I am stressing out over everything, real or imagined.

Everything is working together to conspire to bring the worst possible outcome to my doorstep.

Life is against me and I am doomed.

This, or something worse, is now manifesting for the highest cost to all concerned.

I no longer have to work to create drama. Drama happens effortlessly and naturally, all around me.

Whatever calamity I can conceive, I can achieve.

I always have everything I need to manifest everything I don’t want, and all is hell in my world.

Copyright 2008 Scott Kalechstein, All Rights Reserved

Scott Kalechstein Grace is the author of Teach Me How To Love, A True Story That Touches Hearts & Helps With The Laundry!  In addition, he is an inspirational speaker, a transformational humorist, a life coach, and a modern day troubadour. He makes his home in Marin, California and loves presenting at conferences, giving talks, concerts and workshops. Visit http://www.scottsongs.com for more.

Impotent and Frigid No More

By Scott Kalechstein Grace

“We don't realize the big secret in our midst - which isn't how little power we have to change things, but rather how much power we have that we aren't using! We're like birds that were never informed, or have forgotten, we have wings.”
- Marianne Williamson


Lately I’ve counseled several people who were quite dis-couraged (removed from their courage) by the greed, violence, and destruction going down on the planet these days. Depression currently exists in epidemic proportions and many of us have lost our hope and vision for humanity.

I have not.

I have discovered something that gets me bouncing me out of bed in the morning without a need for caffeine and fills me with joy and enthusiasm all day long. It’s a safe and natural alternative to Prozac, and Viagra as well. It gets me up, inspired and ready for action, 24/7. Its potency is off the charts, and now so is mine.

It’s not a pill, however. It’s a point of view.

My point of perception is that I am an honorable member of God’s Reconstruction Team, here on a lifelong mission to penetrate the world with love. That’s my viewpoint, and I’m sticking to it. I used to worry that it was arrogant, and that I was suffering from delusions of grandeur. Then I immersed myself in the study of A Course In Miracles, which points out, “Without you, God’s Plan would be incomplete.”

Now I understand that I actually am recovering from delusions of impotence!

I once lived in New Jersey by a well-traveled road. One winter day there was a huge storm, and the cars right outside my home were gridlocked for many hours, not moving an inch. This was before the days of cell phones and laptops, and the drivers had plenty of time on their hands. I left the shelter of my house to observe the variety of responses to their situation. Some spent the entire time grumbling their grievances, stressing the stress of their missed appointments, clutching their powerless steering wheels, never accepting, always at war with their predicament. Others surrendered and got out of their cars to greet their new neighbors, making the best of things, laughing together at their shared helplessness. Children got out and played in the snow, blustery chaos a treasured playground.

A few people went from car to car to take orders for coffee and snacks. They braved the elements to walk an eighth of a mile up the road to the 7/11, and then graciously delivered the goods to their fellow stranded motorists. I noticed that the ones choosing to serve were enthusiastic and happy. The external temperature didn’t bring down their internal thermometers. They got it up for life, radiating the warmth of their love, dispelling the frigidity around them.

The day the Twin Towers went down I was glued to the television, like so many of us, trembling and weeping for our world. Later in the afternoon I wrenched myself away from the small screen and tried to tune into the bigger picture.

After some moments in the silence I heard my inner guidance say, “This event is an evolutionary quickening, bringing about an increase of both the dark and the light. Be of good courage. You came here for these times. Despite the tumult, the choice before everyone remains abundantly simple and abundantly clear: it’s love or fear. The media will mostly report and distort the reasons to fear, supplying the drugs for those with an adrenaline habit. You needn’t go there, and don’t curse those who still believe that attack will make them safe. Light your candle and find others who are illuminating the earth with love. Focus on the building of a new consciousness and a new world, even as this old one stumbles and falls. Be a stand for personal and planetary healing and you will live in the warmth of your loving no matter how frigid the climate around you.”

This is not summer vacation time on classroom earth. The curriculum is demanding, the lessons intense. The most fearful and aggressive people seem to have the most power. Certainly they have the most volume, being given a large megaphone by the media.

Is cheerfulness these days synonymous with denial? Are hope and optimism opiates for those with a lack of intelligence and an abundance of naivety? Will the meek really inherit the earth, and if so, where are they hiding? Ringo Starr has a CD called Choose Love. Could he be on to something, or did our beloved Ringo do too many drugs in the last millennium?

Humanity is at a fork in the road. What will we choose as a species? We’ve got some pretty big toys that can blow each other up in an afternoon. If we don’t raise our emotional maturity to match our advances in technology we might not be around much longer. Everybody on earth is aware of that on some level. We know the stakes are high.

It’s easy to lose heart, or to close the heart to protect it from the rawness of grief and pain. But as Yoda said to Anakin in the last Star Wars movie, “The fear of loss is a sure path to the dark side.” Anakin’s refusal to experience loss and face his grief led to the construction of Darth Vader: a black mask and armoring around his true self.

Take heart, fellow Jedi’s. It’s an honor to serve, and even our tears are a part of our contribution, so long as they do not come from believing we are powerless. Let’s revel in what we can do. We can do small things with great love each day, letting go of any attachment to outcome. Was Martin Luther King discouraged because he might not see his dream made manifest in his lifetime? I don’t think so. Planting the seeds and growing a dream is fulfillment enough, in and of itself.

It is a joy to serve God, but it is very stressful to play God.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the story of a man who encounters a lady on the beach. She is picking up starfish one by one and throwing them back into the ocean after a storm had dumped millions of them onto the shore. Her behavior is disturbing to him, as it holds up a mirror to his feelings of impotency. “Look around you! How can you feel what you’re doing matters, saving just a few, in the face of such overwhelming tragedy?” “It mattered to that one,” she replies as she happily tosses another starfish into the sea.

To curse the darkness when you could be lighting a candle (or saving a starfish) is quite a waste of vital life energy. To put it bluntly, it’s time for all of us to get it up - for God, each other, and our planet. It may be our darkest hour, but some of us can see dawn coming, and there’s truly something beautiful on the horizon- a new world waiting to be conceived and birthed. Your heat, your potency, your hands and heart are needed. And it is quite a pleasure to serve.

SHOW THE WAY

By David Wilcox

You say you see no hope, you say you see no reason
We should dream that the world would ever change
You're saying love is foolish to believe
'Cause there'll always be some crazy with an Army or a Knife
To wake you from your day-dream, put the fear back in your life...

Look, if someone wrote a play just to glorify what's stronger than hate,
Would they not arrange the stage to look as if the hero came too late
he's almost in defeat
It's looking like the Evil side will win, so on the Edge
Of every seat,
from the moment that the whole thing begins…

It is love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness love can show the way


Scott Kalechstein Grace is an author,  a minister, a counselor and coach, a modern day troubadour, and an inspirational speaker. He makes his home in Marin, California and loves presenting at conferences, giving talks, concerts and workshops. In his phone counseling practice, he is a relationship specialist, helping both individuals and couples heal, manifest, and awaken into conscious relationship. Call 415-721-2954 to schedule a session, or email him at scott@scottsongs.com. You can visit www.scottsongs.com to read more about his workshops, to hear his talks or to sample songs from his nine CD’s. Send him an email to receive writings like this one on a semi-occasional basis.

My New Book/CD is Out & Available For Purchase!

Every so often a book comes along that thrills, tickles, and entertains as much as it touches, transforms and inspires.

In the tradition of such classics as Eat, Pray, Love, The Celestine Prophecy and Tuesdays With Morrie comes:

Teach Me How To Love

A True Story That Touches Hearts & Helps With The Laundry!

By Scott Kalechstein Grace

Includes CD with 17 of Scott's Best Songs!


$24.95 for Book/CD Purchase at www.scottsongs.com 

Or call (415) 721-2954 to get a signed copy - Scott will take your order cheerfully & personally.


"Captivating, illuminating and joyously entertaining." -Alan Cohen, author of A Daily Dose of Sanity and The Dragon Doesn’t Live Here Anymore


“Takes you by surprise with the depth of its transformational teachings.” -Jack Canfield, author of The Success Principles and co-author of Chicken Soup for The Soul


"Wildly funny!"  -Gary Renard, author of The Disappearance of The Universe


"A brilliant account of happiness that comes from the inside out."  -Marci Shimoff, Author of Happy For No Reason

“Teach Me How to Love is full of love, laughter and tears, the necessary ingredients for a story that will touch your heart, and yes, help with the laundry!”  -Dr. Bernie Siegel, author of Love, Medicine and Miracles


“Imagine a motivational and inspirational speaker/comedian/singer with a generous heart, twinkling wit, and disarming honesty, and you have a glimpse of Scott Grace. Teach Me How To Love sparkles with fun, wisdom and great humor as Scott relates the ins and outs, from very personal experience, of daring to live intentionally. It also happens to be the finest kind of love story, one that not only gives you hope and goose bumps, but also tools and a treasure map to your heart. You may just enjoy reading it so much that you don’t even realize how much you’re being healed!”
-Tama J. Kieves, author of THIS TIME I DANCE! Creating the Work You Love


“The world lives to hear love stories, and Scott’s is a doosey! Teach Me How To Love is a story that will help so many people who are on the fence, afraid to commit (and who isn’t!), and to move into the greatness of love.”
-Shannon and Scott Peck, co-authors of The Love You Deserve

 
“Teach Me How To Love is utterly brilliant. The writing is genius. I love the blend of extraordinary humor with the insightful wrap on the simple, the mundane and the deep stuff of life – all mixed together like a big club sandwich oozing with layers of fulfilling filling. It’s meaty, it’s fun, and it resonates deeply.”
-Susie Pearl, author of Master Mind

 
“Teach Me How to Love is a wonderful, authentic story of personal awakening. Scott’s journey from selling laundry bags on the streets of New York to becoming a singer, songwriter and minister of love is inspiring and wise. It will touch your heart.”
-Paul Ferrini, author of Love Without Conditions and The Silence of the Heart

 

“Teach Me How to Love offers the reader an exceptional opportunity to be uplifted, inspired, awakened and entertained by storytelling at its finest. Scott has mastered the alchemy of turning life experience into lessons in levity. Read it, breathe with it, smile with it, and share it with a friend!”
-Donald Epstein DC, author of The Twelve Stages Of Healing

 
“Teach Me How To Love is all about love. Scott Grace manages to unfold his own love story with such warmth, humor, honesty, and wit, you will find yourself irresistibly drawn in, cheering, crying, laughing, and learning as you go.”
–Barry & Joyce Vissell, authors of The Shared Heart and Meant To Be

 
“Teach Me How To Love somehow sneaks in the secrets to lasting love and healthy relationships while keeping you enthralled, laughing, and on the edge of your seat throughout. Bravo to Scott Grace for combining profound wisdom and escapist entertainment all in one wonderful book!”
- Jon Mundy, publisher of Miracles Magazine and author of Living A Course in Miracles

 
“Teach Me How To Love is one from the heart and for the heart. Scott’s gift of humor, combined with his eloquent transparency and vulnerability, will take you on a journey to the depths of your own capacity to love. Expect lots of laughter, a few tears, and plenty of precious pearls of wisdom along the way.”
-Paul and Layne Cutright, authors of You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think and Straight From the Heart


“Got ENLIGHTENMENT? Then read this book! Scott Grace exposes his own raw revelations on his own path into intimacy, through the treacherous terrain of the core conflict in relationships between self-connection/Freedom and other connection/Love. Teach Me How To Love will tickle your funny bone and lift your spirits as it raises your consciousness.”
-Kelly Bryson MFT, Author of Don’t Be Nice, Be Real


“Scott’s lovely, lively story flows from laughter to tears and back exactly the way a juicy life asks of us when we tune into the musical comedy of the soul. Don’t let Teach Me How To Love pass you by!”
-Lee Glickstein, author of Be Heard Now

 

My Radio Interview with Vaishali

I recently was interviewed on the radio all about the love lessons I learned and wrote about in my new book:

Teach Me How To Love

A True Story that Touches Hearts & Helps with the Laundry!

Click Here To Hear The Interview:
http://ia600605.us.archive.org/25/items/ScottGraceAndVaishaliDiscussTeachMeHowToLove/251Yawyl5_13_11.mp3

The Tao of Intimacy

By Scott Kalechstein Grace


Opening up. Getting close. We are made for it. And many of us walk through our days on guard against it. Or, we are so hungry for it we leave ourselves while reaching out, and intimacy slips through our fingers like a wet bar of soap.


In our society intimacy is usually synonymous with getting physical. Yet plenty of people are sexual companions, but not really intimate with each other. Companionship doesn’t automatically mean letting someone in. And rubbing body parts together does not automatically create intimacy.



True intimacy is not a meeting of the minds or bodies. It’s between hearts and souls. It opens us to a whole other world, one rich with feelings, and one where the intellect takes a siesta. This is heavenly, what we long for, and what we are made for. Then, we are disappointed. Our unhealed wounds and romantic expectations put stars in our eyes, and we get attached to the yummy other person as the cause of our experience. We forget that they are just another messy mortal, and that opening our heart and getting out of the confines of the ego mind was the cause of our grand feelings. Intimacy, like all of life's goodies, is an inside job, arising from a state of consciousness, not another person.



When we believe that Mr. or Ms. Right is the source of our warm and fuzzy feelings, fear of loss becomes the driver of our behavior, bringing attachment and clinging. When fear is not leading the charge, intimacy can lead to sweet and soulful bonding, with a noticeable and refreshing absence of static cling.



That kind of bonding begins at home, inside yourself. Before reaching out, reach in. Say a gentle and compassionate hello to your hopes, fears, loneliness, and desires - everything that is present for you. Extend loving kindness and acceptance towards all your feelings, making sweet room for the entire spectrum of your humanness. If you are not self-validating, you are probably self-invalidating. So, turn it around. Release the hypnotic cultural taboo against self-love. Validate, validate, validate.



What’s next, after making intimate friends with yourself? Then comes hooking up to a Higher Power, getting online with the Divine. Bring me a Higher Love, but bring it on with feet in the ground of self-acceptance first. Most folks try to reach God in Heaven as an escape from the pain of believing they are damaged goods catching hell down here on earth. That causes us to be disembodied, disassociated, living out an illusionary split between spirit and body, heaven and earth, human and divine. If you believe on some level that God is Infinite Love and you are a can of chopped liver, well, as Dr. Phil would ask, "How's that working for you?"


It is through accepting and even delighting in our humanness that we can come to see ourselves as Divine Beings having a human experience. When you reject yourself, you cannot know God. Love yourself, warts and all, and you become a juicy embodiment of God's love, joy, wholeness, and peace.


The Tough News: Connection with a lover cannot fulfill you, or cause you to love yourself. If you do not come to a lover already hooked up to Self-Love and Higher Love, you will unconsciously siphon energy from another person's tank. They will eventually feel drained. And they will also be draining you. The feelings are mutual and between (unconsciously) consenting adults.


In our culture it's called falling in love, cause it can feel so glorious when it begins. But falling in love is so often co-dependency having a party, a party that inevitable ends as soon as gravity inevitably brings floating feet back to the ground.



The Liberating News: Wherever you are on the journey, from single and looking, to up to your ears in draining and being drained, you can begin to love and fulfill yourself. You can turn yourself on. You can get so connected to the Divine that when you have intimacy with another it will seem like a three-way.



If you are traditional church-going-God-fearing religious folk, you might be shocked, currently asking yourself if I just prescribed masturbation as a cure for neediness, and then copulating with the Lord in a kinky Ménage à trois as the ultimate carnal destination. Perhaps you think that's blasphemy. You can rest assured that I didn't mean it that way. I'm just having some fun, and making sure you are not dozing off.



What I did mean to propose is the spiritual necessity of deeply enjoying the company you keep with yourself, and coming to love yourself as fully and completely as you might dream of being loved, from your amazing head to your miraculous toes. Also, I'm talking about hitting the Source daily, drinking the Divine, and awakening to Higher Love. When you bring Higher Love to your human intimacy, it radiates, gushes, and effortlessly overflows. You’re a love-beam. Then you tend to attract and be attracted to people who have also awakened to Higher Love. Two waterfalls make for a lot of joyous spilling over.



Intimacy is as simple as in-to-me-see, letting people see into you. In-to-me-see as a committed stand in life shatters the ego's survival strategy, which is to keep you safe by hiding parts of yourself, pretending, protecting, defending.



The ego's love plan is to reserve your heart for one special soulmate partner, and keep you hiding behind a persona facade with the rest of humanity. That doesn't work. An open heart has got to be a way of life, across the board. You can't reserve your heart for one special someone and close your heart to others. That's not sustainable, nor is it real. Love, true love, is boundless, limitless, and joyously uncontainable. It always moves and expands to include others. You can be monogamous with your sexual expression, but not with your heart. Not if you are after true love.



At a certain point keeping your heart open across the board becomes more important than sharing intimacy with one special person. Paradoxically, that's when a soulmate partner can enter, through the doorway of your already established celebration of life and love.


I love what Emmanuel says on this subject in Emmanuel's Book Three, What Is an Angel Doing Here?


"You reach to another with the expectation that others can fill you. They cannot. It is a joyous experience to walk with another human being whom you love, but if you have not first filled yourselves with your own devotion, then you begin to demand something that is impossible for any other human being to supply. Make room in your life for the ordinary sweet human beings all around you who will give you the opportunity to practice giving and receiving love. Let your heart learn loving. You cannot keep the door closed until the perfect one appears. That "one" only walks through already opened doorways."


Intimacy As The Heart's Colonic

ntimacy heals by bringing old unconscious pain to the surface so it can be resolved and released. Closeness with another, or even the potential for impending closeness, flushes up and out our fears of abandonment and rejection, and their close relatives on the other side of the pendulum, fears of entrapment and commitment.


Both are two coin sides of the fear of loss: Fear of losing love, and fear of losing self.


These fears come up in all intimate relationships to be dealt with and healed. They are behind all behaviors of clinging, distancing, controlling, protecting, numbing out, aggression, passive-aggression, and the dance of mushy co-dependence and extreme, fear-based independence.


Let's hear it for those popular dance partners, mushy co-dependence and extreme independence! Have you played out both roles, been on both sides of the see-saw? I know I have. And I have stumbled my way to a balanced place between the extremes.


We all can get there, through the simple, profound, and courageous process of learning to take tender, loving, emotional care of ourselves, both alone and in the presence of others. It all boils down to self-love.


Go past your intimacy comfort zone and old fears and intimacy avoidance behaviors will eventually arise. Getting to know your fears and how they operate behind the scenes will help you get beyond them. Perhaps no human being is completely free of these issues, but it is possible to get to a place where they seldom run the show, and when they do, you have tools and support to get through them. When you can feel your fears without acting them out in your usual behaviors, you are one breath away from letting go and claiming your freedom.



Intimacy shines light upon all the scary monsters so they can come out of the shadows and heal. We heal monsters by hugging them with our own empathy and compassion, until they soften and reveal to us the innocent and lovable little boy or girl behind the monster mask. We heal by bringing our fears to the light and warmth of our loving.


It is safe to get close. It is safe to become known. You're well worth getting to know. In fact, you are hot stuff, precious and lovable through and through. What’s not to love? It's all God, and God don’t make damaged goods.


Scott Kalechstein Grace is the author of Teach Me How To Love. He is also a counselor and coach, a modern day troubadour and inspirational speaker. He lives with his partner and daughter in Marin, California and loves presenting at conferences, giving talks, concerts and workshops. In his phone counseling practice, he is a relationship specialist, helping both individuals and couples transition from drama and pain to having conscious and peaceful relationships. You can visit www.scottsongs.com to buy his book, to hear his talks or to sample songs from his nine CD’s. Send him a holler at scott@scottsongs.com to receive writings like this one on a semi-occasional basis.

Singing John Denver

By Scott Kalechstein Grace




I was presenting a lecture and a workshop on the healing power of music at a Mind, Body & Spirit Conference in Spokane, Washington. The Exhibit Hall outside the conference rooms was a thriving marketplace, complete with psychics, healers, and crystal salespeople offering their wares to shoppers looking for a tweak in their reality. Guitar in hand, I occasionally strolled the grounds, asking assorted attendees if they would like a song. One such woman replied with gusto, "Yes. Please sing me something from John Denver!" I graciously informed her that I was a prolific songwriter in my own light, and that I would much prefer to sing her one of my own. "John Denver!" she replied in a demanding tone that grated on my nerves.

Unconsciously, I tried to match her energy, in an attempt to protect mine. With a louder than usual voice bursting with cockiness and just a hint of arrogance, I suggested to her that she give me a topic, anything about her world or her life, so that I could instantly improvise a song just for her.  "John Denver is what I want!" she exclaimed with a sense of entitlement that had officially begun to piss me off.

Abandoning what was left of my patience, I blasted her with a direct hit from my ego's bullhorn, informing her that I had nine wonderful CD's of my own, thank you, and that if she wasn't so fixated on John Denver she might have a peak Rocky Mountain High experience hearing something new from someone who might very well be the next up and coming John Denver!

"John Denver, please." 


I felt heat rising up my neck. I was starting to take this a bit too seriously. Tempted to move on to greener pastures and more flexible ears, I took a breath, and asked for help in surrendering the power struggle that had infiltrated my nervous system. I looked into her eyes, and before my prosecuting mind could continue its case against her, began to play her Annie's Song, one of my favorite John Denver ballads.

As I started singing "You fill up my senses…" she began crying. In fact, she was openly weeping, with a big grin on her face as well. There we were, sharing an intimate and touching moment, right in the midst of the busy marketplace. Her tears were confusing to me. I thought about stopping the song to offer my support, but her beaming smile told me she was quite all right.

When I finished she practically crushed my guitar in her efforts to hug me. I was hoping for a few words about the depth of her feelings, and she didn't disappoint. "I met John Denver once in Colorado and he serenaded me just like you did. I will never forget the personal interest and warmth he showed me. Your song brought it all back. I needed that today. Thank you so much."

I went back to my booth, stirred up by the experience. I reflected on how close I came to passing her by and not honoring her request.  She asked me for love in the language she could best receive it, and I was grateful I had summoned up the willingness to give it.

I thought about the potential moments of connection I have missed, the times I have refused to speak somebody's John Denver, insisting on communicating in the language of my own comfort zone, rather than seeking to learn a bit about their dialect.

When I coach and counsel people, I want to converse in a way they can best hear me. If ‘inner child' is a foreign concept, or if the word ‘God' closes the mind, I try to remember there are an infinite number of ways to say the same thing. Could I say it differently? Can I be linguistically creative and flexible?

Recently I had a session from a woman who could only communicate in lingo she had learned from a personal growth workshop she was involved in, one that I had not taken. How frustrating! How limiting!

In matters of the heart, it pays to learn a second language, especially the one of the beloved in front of you. A person with painful sunburn does not enjoy receiving love in the language of a bear hug. Someone with a pressing fear of abandonment may not speak the same love language as a person who leads with a fear of entrapment.

Have you ever noticed that these two, one expressing abandonment fears and the other frightened of losing freedom and autonomy, tend to be irresistibly drawn to each other? These are matches made in Heaven, a divine language laboratory with mighty potential for healing and growth. "Don't leave me" and "I need space" join in holy friction so that the two can grow through and past the language barrier between them.

As Paul and Layne Cutright, authors of You Are Never Upset For The Reason You Think, remind us: "Relationships live or die in language." Most relationship problems can be traced not to a lack of love, but to a lack of language skills.


When I take my work to foreign countries, the people are so pleased when I make an attempt, no matter how clumsy, to communicate in their native tongue. My intention is always warmly and graciously received. Marshall Rosenberg, international peacemaker and teacher of non-violent communication skills, is constantly reminding his students that our heartfelt intention to connect is always more important than our skills or lack thereof. He encourages us to always put connection before correction.

 
The language of love is the language of the one before us. In all our relations, whether between countries or partners, it is our sincere intent to learn the language of the one we are communicating with that builds a bridge between hearts, making us multi-lingual lovers and personal as well as planetary peacemakers.

"I am here to be truly helpful."
-A Course In Miracles


Described as a cross between John Denver, Eckhart Tolle, and Robin Williams, Scott Kalechstein Grace has been a full time inspirational speaker, relationship coach, musician, writer, and transformational humorist since 1990, with nine CD's distributed internationally. A pioneer in the field of music improvisation, Scott creates therapeutic "Song Portraits", original compositions of voice and guitar, created in the moment for people wishing greater clarity or guidance on specific issues, and recorded onto CD. His entertaining website is at www.scottsongs.com.

Containing Our Reactors

By Scott Kalechstein Grace


What do you think spreads and kills faster, radioactivity coming from a meltdown at a power plant, or mushroom clouds of fear coming from a mind that has forgotten it's power source?

Learning to contain and cool down our ego reactors with the healing waters of love, safety, and gratitude is crucial for a happy and productive journey on this planet. No matter what is going on outside of us, we are always deciding between responding with love or reacting in fear. And whatever we choose, we can always choose differently in the next moment. And the next. We all get reactive and have meltdowns. It's how quickly we clean them up that counts.


Early this week I was sitting in the dentist's chair getting a cavity worked on, the most troublesome of three that the x-rays had found. I hadn't been in for a check-up in over two years, feeling scarce about both time and money, I and now I was going to have to pay the price of neglect and cough up some time and money. Halfway into the process my dentist looked concerned, stopping and frowning. She called an associate into the room for a second opinion and the two of them stared into the hole in my tooth. The usual playful banter and levity in the office had suddenly been replaced by a dense layer of seriousness. They left the room and whispered outside the door, just beyond the scope of my radar. When they came back, they announced in solemn unison that my tooth needed root canal.

Root canal? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


My family and I had been going though financial challenges for over two years, and so the first words out of my numb, cotton-ladened mouth was "How much is it going to cost?" The price quoted made me wish I had had nitrous oxide instead of anesthesia. At over $2000, this was going to drill quite an unexpected hole in the wallet. My thoughts spiraled into fear as I got on a runaway express train bound for Scare City.

I told them to get on with it and get it over with. The procedure, the actual root canal, was nowhere near as painful as my protest and resistance to what  had just been served up on my plate. The drama going on in my head was louder and more invasive than the dentist's noisy drill, as my mind kept spewing out endless variations on the themes of  "NO!" and "We're Doomed!"

This day was not going my way, but, much worse than that,  I was letting my fears go nuclear.

Fear, I believe, is always a lack attack, my ego's imaginary trip into a future of worst case scenarios. It plays out as a loud, unruly conversation in my head, one that in any moment I could interrupt and end by injecting some faith and coming into the safety and sanity of the present moment, noticing and appreciating all the overwhelming evidence within and around me that all is well.

And that's what I decided to do.

Right there in the chair I performed a self-administered intervention, trading in my grievances for gratitude, starting by silently saying thank you to the doctors who were using their skills to save my tooth.  Then I gave thanks for the opportunity before me to release myself more thoroughly from fear. My gratitude soon spread to include various blessings in my life - my health, relationships, peace of mind, the beauty of this planet. Finally, giving thanks for the miraculous gift of life itself, I found myself  reclaiming my joy and becoming peaceful again. I  spent the rest of the day being playful and joking with others about my adventures with root canal. My partner told me how uplifted she felt by how I was not letting this turn of events turn down my spirit. If anything, I was more turned on! My spirits were high because I had remembered that Spirit is who I am, Spirit is the only reality, and everything else in this world is the temporary passing parade of illusion, with no power but the power I give it.

For years I had been a conditional giver of thanks. I gave thanks when things went my way, and withheld my gratitude when life served up challenges, disappointments, or other assorted  learning opportunities. But for those of us wanting to use this lifetime for growth and mastery, the situations that stimulate our fears offer our greatest blessing. Healing cannot be found when fear is held at bay in the cozy harbor of our comfort zones. The experiences our egos shout no at can be be the very catalysts for awakening, the Zen whacks from a teacher's stick that cause us to get present, release identification with ego, and  more deeply find and dwell in a peace that is not of this world.

I used to play a game as a child called Hot Potato. Now I am playing it again, this time without the carbs. I am learning to drop my scary hot potato thoughts more and more quickly, sometimes instantly.  If someone actually threw you a painfully hot potato and you caught it, you would probably drop it at once. If it is our grievances, gripes, and fearful  thoughts that cause us mental and emotional pain, why not drop them as quickly as you would a hot potato? The other choice is to nurse them, get agreement about them from others, and huff and puff in radioactive clouds of righteousness, panic, and drama.

 BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!

A nuclear free world begins in our heads, spreads to our hearts, and then goes viral all around the planet. When we are planted in our authentic power, no earthly power plant can hurt us. And love, divine love,  is our authentic power, our only security and safety, our only reality. It hurts like hell to contain it, so let's not. Let's spread it together.




Scott Kalechstein Grace is the author of Teach Me How To Love. He is also a counselor and coach, a modern day troubadour and inspirational speaker. He lives with his partner and daughter in Marin, California and loves presenting at conferences, giving talks, concerts and workshops.  In his phone counseling practice, he is a relationship specialist, helping both individuals and couples enjoy more conscious relationships. You can visit www.scottsongs.com to read more about his work, to hear his talks or to sample songs from his nine CD’s. Send him an email to receive writings like this one on a semi-occasional basis.

From Love Seeker To Love Finder

My journey into the heart of love has involved some stages that I imagine most folks can identify with.

1. I am a seeker. Love is outside of me. It's in one special other person and if I find and keep that person I can have love in my life.

2.  I become aware have I have a treasure chest of fears that I've been treasuring that keep me from feeling safe, open and receptive to love. The fears have been running things behind the scenes, and I have denied that I have them, but I am beginning the healing process by being honest with myself and God about them.

3. I challenge my fears, walk through them, offer them up, bring them to the light, let them go, and realize that love is everywhere, especially inside myself!

4. I become a love generator, rather than a love seeker, and the world goes out of its way to shower me with the love that I already am profoundly pouring out.



It is interesting to apply these stages to one's relationship with money. Try replacing the word love with money....

Have FUN!

Romantic Relationships & Your Emotional & Spiritual Development

The Journey Of Relationship

From Here To Maturity...

By Scott Kalechstein Grace 

Intimate relationships are the best personal growth seminar in town. The purpose of being in relationship is to give and receive love. It's that simple. When we have wounds that block our ability to love and be loved (and who doesn't?), the purpose of relationship then becomes healing...to help one another in removing the blocks to the awareness of Love’s Presence. What are the tools to make such a journey? What does it require of us?

When Venus (yes, my partner's name is Venus) and I got together in 2004, we pretty quickly came to two juicy realizations:

Juicy Realization #1- We were soul mates, twin flames, a great match, ever so right for each other, and pretty darn cute together. 

Please prepare yourself for #2, as it's rather sobering..... 

When ready, scroll down past the picture of us looking so darn cute...

READY FOR #2?

Juicy Realization #2-  Meeting the 'right' person is no insurance, and no substitute for the work of developing relational skills that allow for both intimacy and autonomy, the inhale and exhale of relationship.When our feet finally returned to the ground, we realized that Realization #1 was meaningless, and that if we didn't learn and practice new communication skills and relational habits other than the ones that we had absorbed from this culture, if we didn't stay committed to our personal evolution and work self-responsibly with whatever would be coming up, then ours would be another short-lived relationship filled with suffering and drama.

One of my favorite quotes: 

Soul mates are forged, not found.

 - Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons

'The work' part of the relationship is the dis-illusioning process that is a part of any spiritual path, which is what a relationship can be when it is dedicated to helping each other awaken. There are tools and practices that can help move the process along, and they will be discussed in further posts, but the most important tool  is willingness!

Of course, none of this was obvious when we were dating and everything felt like a honeymoon. But for the first time in our relationship histories, we were both willing to do whatever it took to survive and thrive beyond the honeymoon and power struggle stages.

So, Venus and I have gotten grounded in certain practices and perspectives that work beautifully for us and that we want to pass on. We have found that robust intimacy and non-violent communication in this crazy world takes practice, practice, practice, and that you don't need to wait until you meet the right person to start learning or deepening the skills.

Here is an overview of what we have learned so far in…

THE CLASSROOM OF RELATIONSHIP

Relationship Stage One (Attraction, Honeymoon)

I applied to a great school and I've been accepted! I'm on the top of the world!  (And I blame my partner for my joy...)

Relationship Stage Two (Friction, Power Struggle)

Classes begin, homework is assigned, egos bump heads... (And I blame my partner for my pain...)

Relationship Stage Three (Mature Love)

Egos have been sandpapered smooth enough to begin to give our unique partnership gifts to the world. (And I thank God for our joy!)

Romantic Balloons And Bubbles That Must Be Busted For Class To Proceed...

1. I can get all my needs met by one person… my soul mate will do that for me.

2. The right person will make me happy.

3. Having a partner will make my life easier.

4. The ease and high of the honeymoon stage should last forever and if it doesn't this person must not be the 'one' for me.

5. Being in a relationship will increase my self-esteem and add meaning to my life, putting an end to my loneliness, issues of rejection, and feeling abandoned.

The Healing Path Of Relationships

Unavoidable Relationship Facts That Cause Great Suffering When Not Understood And Accepted

1. Love brings up anything unlike itself for the purpose of healing and release. Trust the colonic... A relationship will make the unconscious conscious so you can see (and smell) your crap and choose out of it.

2. Your partner is your mirror, not your savior, and will wind up treating you the way you secretly (or not so secretly) treat yourself. That's a big motivator to make loving and accepting yourself a top priority. James Taylor wrote "You've been better to me than I've been to myself." That's a honeymoon stage fairy tale. In real life your partner is your mirror, not your savior.

3. Welcome and prepare for conflicts. Expecting them to occur is wise, not cynical. Your partner will trigger the hell out of you at times. It’s part of their divine job description. If you keep your feet on the ground than relationship won't bring you to your knees. Have tools to use and agreements in place for when buttons get pushed. Relationship will flush out issues of abandonment and entrapment, encouraging you to stop abandoning yourself, prompting you to drop your masks and outdated survival strategies, and assisting you to learn the delicate dance between autonomy and intimacy, taking care of yourself and caring about someone else.

4. Any unfinished business with Mom and Dad, past partners or siblings, will eventually surface between you and your partner. This is a great blessing and is part of how the universe always moves us towards healing, completion, and mastery.

5. A conscious relationship is a spiritual path. The purpose of a spiritual path is to disillusion you (remove you from illusions). Embrace that and you grow into mature love. Resist that and you suffer deeply. Eckart Tolle reminds us that "The purpose of relationship is not to make you happy. It is to make you conscious."

RELATIONSHIP GROWTH IN FOUR CHAPTERS

Chapter 1- You attract re-enactments of your childhood wounding…i.e.- an unavailable alcoholic, a controlling mother, etc. You wonder why life is doing this to you. Where are all the available men? Where are all the good women? Why am I being deprived? What’s wrong with me? When will I be loved?

Chapter 2- You continue to attract replicas of your history, but you are learning to respond in other ways besides feeling like a victim. You recognize that the universe is out to heal you by helping to bring your unresolved feelings to the surface for resolution, and to give you the opportunity to complete with your past by learning to respond differently. i.e. - instead of silently trembling in the dark or acting out in punitive ways (childhood responses), the adult learns to speak up, express feelings without blaming, and to say no.

Chapter 3- You attract someone who is mostly different from your past but has the potential to act the part if driven in that direction. They become an occasional replica of your history, giving you plenty of practice in responding in other ways besides the limited choices available in childhood.

Chapter 4- You eventually draw in someone who is not at all like your controlling mother or your absent father and you occasionally project your childhood story on to them and work through the feelings without full blown suffering and constant drama. What's relationship about then? It's about giving and receiving love, celebrating life together, and serving the earth with your feet on the ground.

The Gift Of Grief: Fully mourning what you didn't get in childhood moves you through the chapters and prepares you to be an adult who can bring realistic expectations to a relationship.

The Gift Of Relationship: It will bring you face to face with your unresolved childhood pain until your grief work is completed.

Ways Of Approaching Need Fulfillment

1. Bulldozing: You put your needs above everyone else's, and feel entitled to having them met at other people's expense.

2.  Yes, Dear: ( A favorite of spiritual people) In the name of transcending your ego, you act as if your own needs are unimportant and unspiritual, and you judge yourself as unworthy of having what you want. Inevitably, you deny you have needs and/or try to get them met unconsciously, using strategies that helped you survive a troubled childhood, ie- being passive aggressive, withholding, seducing, blaming, manipulating, and guilt-tripping others into giving to you. By the way, a 'needy' person is someone who is not giving themselves permission to have needs, and so their needs leak out unconsciously, bringing discomfort to everyone around them.

3. The Middle Way: You practice choosing assertive adult strategies, like asking for what you want directly without demanding it. You realize that you can never really win if your partner loses, and so you always go for a win-win. Also, you are willing and able to meet your own needs or get them met elsewhere when your partner isn't available. A child has limited choices, an adult always has plenty.

Some Things To Do While You Are Single

1. Walk the path of being single with your head held high. You are learning lessons of self-determination and empowerment, where you get to determine how you want to live, who you want to include in your life, and what you want to accomplish on this earth.  You don't have the excuse to blame anything on anyone else. You get to fully accept the responsibility for your state in life. Being single is a sacred and valid spiritual path. Walk it in fullness and with dignity.

2. Since people (including your next partner) will tend to treat you the way you treat yourself, spend time upgrading your relationship with yourself, replacing the inner critical self-talk with a gentle, nurturing, loving inner parent.

3. Immerse yourself in the study of communication skills, like Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication (www.cnvc.org). When a relationship comes along and conflicts inevitably arise, you'll want them, need them, and lean on them.

4. Make loving yourself and giving your gifts your most important areas of focus. When you get into a relationship and you make it through the honeymoon stage these will remain the two most important ingredients for both your personal happiness and having a non-codependent, healthy relationship...LOVING YOURSELF & GIVING YOUR GIFTS!

5. Get to know yourself, what you stand for and what you won't stand for. Practicing both standing firm in your truth and the art of being flexible. You'll need both in an intimate relationship.

6. Live your life to the fullest. Accept the possibility that you may never have a partner and live life as if it's your complete responsibility to live out your dreams and make yourself happy right now. Practice the most difficult Yoga posture of all: Standing on your own two feet!

Scott Kalechstein Grace is a writer, singer, speaker, humorist, and  a counselor and coach. He lives with his partner and daughter in Marin, California and loves presenting at conferences, giving talks, concerts and workshops.  In his phone counseling practice, he is a relationship specialist, helping both individuals and couples enjoy more conscious relationships. You can visit www.scottsongs.com to read more about his work, to hear his talks or to sample songs from his nine CD’s. Send him an email at scott@scottsongs.com to receive writings like this one on a semi-occasional basis.